Thanksgiving Apple Pie

It is both beautiful and ironic that my last blog post from Thanksgiving was one of Paul's recipes. When I revisited the post, I wept. We lost Paul less than a month ago and it still feels fresh and new and old at the same time. The grief ebbs and flows but never disappears. It is always on the back of my mind, coming up in waves in times of silence and clarity... I haven't really digested the fact that he is gone, and the fact that I will never taste his food again, hear his laugh or wrap my arms around him. 

I have never been so close to death. I have lost both of my grandfathers, but the death of a grandparent is so different than losing someone too young. Paul was my mother's heart, partner and future, and he was taken from us far too soon. I was there at home with my mom and his son Kyle when he passed, and the house smelled like chicken tortilla soup and we had his music echoing through the house. They say that your hearing is the last sense to go, so we hope he was sent off smelling good smells and hearing his music. 

This Thanksgiving was especially hard for all of us. The past two Thanksgivings have come with bad news, of my mom's diagnosis and Paul's re-diagnosis, and last Thanksgiving, the diagnosis that would claim his life. It is not a happy time for me and I think that by cooking and being in the kitchen will help me move past all of this and keep his memory alive.

The night before Thanksgiving I forced my mom into the kitchen with me to bake. I hate baking. It is a science, not an art and I don't like the fact that the entire dish can be ruined if you mess up on a measurement. But I knew that I wanted to make a pumpkin pie and an apple pie, from scratch. My mom wanted to buy the crust - I refused. Something went wrong this time around with my dough, and it just didn't hold the way that it usually does, but I think with more time and a little more water, it could have been OK. I heard it tasted good, which is all that matters to me. I used a recipe found on the Food Network, because I wanted to make a normal apple pie instead of Ina Garten's deep dish that I usually make.

Before I post the recipe, I want to put William Blake's The Tyger on here. I first heard the poem when I was 13, and it has resonated with me ever since. I am going to read it this Sunday at Paul's service and I just can't shake it from my mind right now. The way that Blake questions a world where something so beautiful but ferocious like a tiger and something so innocent like a lamb, can both be created, is astounding to me. Paul was fierce like a tiger, but could be so sweet. Anyways, here it is.

Tyger Tyger, burning bright, 
In the forests of the night; 
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry? 

In what distant deeps or skies.
Burnt the fire of thine eyes? 
On what wings dare he aspire? 
What the hand, dare seize the fire? 

And what shoulder, & what art, 
Could twist the sinews of thy heart? 
And when thy heart began to beat, 
What dread hand? & what dread feet? 

What the hammer? what the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain? 
What the anvil? what dread grasp, 
Dare its deadly terrors clasp! 

When the stars threw down their spears
And water’d heaven with their tears: 
Did he smile his work to see? 
Did he who made the Lamb make thee? 

Tyger Tyger burning bright, 
In the forests of the night: 
What immortal hand or eye, 
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Ingredients:

Dough:

2 1/2 cups all purpose flour

4 teaspoons sugar

1/4 teaspoon fine salt

14 tablespoons cold butter, diced (I used 1 cup of crisco instead, because it can make the dough flakier and better to work with)

1 large egg, lightly beaten, with 2 tablespoons cold water 

Pie insides:

3 lbs of granny smith apples (or another apple that can be baked, like Mutsu or Golden Delicious)

2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

2/3 cup sugar, plus more for sprinkling on the pie

1/4 cup unsalted butter

1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Generous pinch of ground nutmeg

1 large egg, lightly beaten

Directions:

1. Make the dough by hand. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar and salt. Using your fingers (or a pastry cutter), work the crisco or butter into the dry ingredients until it resembles yellow corn meal mixed with bean sized bits of butter (or crisco). 

2. Add the egg and stir the dough together with a fork or by hand in the bowl. If the dough is dry, sprinkle up to a tablespoon more of cold water over the mixture.

3. Form the dough into a disk and wrap it in plastic wrap - refrigerate until thoroughly chilled, at least 1 hour.

4. Make the filling. Put the lemon juice in a medium bowl. Peel, halve and core the apples. Cut each half into 4 wedges. Toss the apples with the lemon juice. Add the sugar and toss to combine evenly.

5. In a large skillet, melt the butter of medium-high heat. Add the apples, and cook, stirring, until the sugar dissolves and the mixture begins to simmer, about 2 minutes. Cover, reduce heat to medium-low, and cook until the apples soften and release most of their juices, about 7 minutes.

6. Strain the apples in a colander over a medium bowl to catch all the juice. Shake the colander to get as much liquid as possible. Return the juices to the skillet and simmer of medium heat until thickened and lightly caramelized, about 10 minutes.

7. In a medium bowl toss the apples with the reduced juices and spices. Set aside to cool completely.

8. Cut the dough in half. On a lightly floured surface, roll each half of dough into a disc about 11 to 12 inches wide. Layer the dough between pieces of parchment paper on a baking sheet, and refrigerate for at least 10 minutes. 

9. Preheat oven to 375 degrees and place a rack in the lower third of the oven.

10. Line the bottom of a 9 inch pie pan with one of the discs and dough, and trim it so it lays about 1/2 inch beyond the edge of the pan. Put the apple filling into the pan and mound it slightly in the center. Brush the top edges of the dough with the egg. 

11. Place the second disc over the top. Fold the top layer of dough under the edge of the bottom layer and press the edges together to form a seal. Flute the edge as desired. Brush the surface of the dough with egg and then sprinkle with sugar. Pierce the top of the dough in several places to allow steam to escape while baking.

12. Bake the pie on a baking sheet until the crust is golden, about 50 minutes. The pie can keep well at room temperature for 24 hours or refrigerated for up to 4 days!